Be kind to single people.
Hold that thought. This is going to a long one. I just suddenly developed the need to spill out some confessions, of my own, that is. But perhaps just a word of reminder: the words you will read henceforth will reflect my opinion alone, and not necessarily of others. Although sometimes it does help that they give me some valid points to share here.
You watched my surprised
proposal video right? Yes I am right now happily affianced to the loveliest most caring most understanding most loving man on the face of the earth, pardon the superlatives. No kidding. I am just a few months away from getting properly married too, but I'll leave that details for later. But first things first.
Way before I get to this position, I was once single. Alone. But might I add, if it isn't too much to believe, not lonely at all? Here's to all the single ladies out there.
Confession number one: I am a late bloomer *and proud of it*. I seem to be doing or discovering most things a bit late in life. From blooming as a woman (biological stuffs, you know what I mean) to getting a good job that pays well to buying a property to getting hitched... it's like a life pattern. A story of my life really. Not that I'm complaining because I know things are in good hands with the Lord.
When it comes down to it, getting married later in life is not necessarily every sane woman's choice for herself. In fact, I can count on one hand alone just how many past relationships I have, including the puppy loves but excluding the crushes that the subjects know nothing about. Being focused about other things may have been the main culprits like the pressure to get good grades and good education, or the pressure of pursuing a good career etc.
So you see, I have been single -- as in unmarried, but not necessarily unattached throughout that period of time -- for quite a while before this event and my state of being solo has been the talk and grievances (for lack of a better word) of a lot of aunties and relatives including my married friends and acquaintances. Those in the married boat. Those who have kids. Those who look like they constantly need a holiday. Those who are no longer single and available. All those from whom cometh forth constant words of pressure to get into the same boat with them. Well granted, some say it in a much nicer way but still pressure nonetheless.
Which is what I don't get really. Why are they adamant on seeing single people get married?
Weird thing is: Even my parents don't pressure me to get married. Me, and my other two unmarried sisters. If at all, they just continue to love and steady us as we navigate life and life's choices. My dad once said "If I had it my way, I want all my girls to just stay with me." That may sound a little selfish, but trust me, when you look at it from my point of view, it's merely a dad being a father who doesn't want his little girls to grow up and someday potentially leave him to cleave to another man. Hearing him say that just made it easier to choose to stay single longer.
My mom on the other hand, only says -- in not so many words -- "If you want to get married someday, just please choose a good man. You need someone to take care of you after we are gone anyway." How to choose a good man? "Have faith in God that He will provide", she said. Sounds like no clue really, but my mom have always been the wiser one in all things.
Confession number two: I chose to stay unmarried for however long I could. It wasn't because I don't want to get married, or that I prefer to be single, or that no one wants me, or because I don't want anyone, or that no one had proposed or even showed signs of being interested in me, or that I was too career-minded, or that I was being too choosy, or whatever reasons you can come up with. If I were to name of a reason, I would say that it's because I don't feel that it is the right time yet.
Oh I do get that 'pity' look once in a while when other younger cousins or relatives or friends get married and I happened to be invited. I do hear those whispers behind my back sometimes. It gets more annoying as the years passed. Sometimes I choose not to attend to preserve myself from unnecessary pain. I'm human too, of course I get hurt if poked too often.
Come on. There is no rule on earth that says you must get married at a certain age in your life. No rule except the one made and dictated by society. No rule except the one practiced and handed down from generations. If society mandates that you must get married at 20, then what are you if you are still single by the time you reach 30? Old? If that is so, then I am ancient indeed.
If you are ready to marry at 18 even, go ahead. It is your choice or your family's. If you discover love and being proposed to at 40, why not? At 50? Why the heck not? What's the difference between you and that teenager? Don't laugh because you might not have the last laugh later.
I say, getting married is not the ultimate goal in a person's life. Get married only when you are good and ready. Not because everyone else is doing it. Not because you are pressured in doing so. Not because you are caught with your pants down. And definitely not because you are pregnant. Unless you have a gun pointed to your head, you better know what you are getting yourself into. Whatever age you choose to do it, don't let society dictate your one big-life choices for you. And for whatever reason you choose to go forth with it, don't let it be for reasons other than mutual feelings and understanding. In other words, do it for that butterfly-in-your-stomach feeling called love.
Of course, this does not take into account that some of us might not be so
lucky blessed in life or that some of us probably do not have any choice in the matter. But for those who do, well, this is for you.
Confession number three: Ruling out everything else and whatever society made of it, being single is fun, in fact, it isn't necessary lonely. Oh of course it had its moment, those awkward phases you go through, but at the end of the day, you still feel like you reign in your own world and no one would've been any wiser. The feeling of loneliness that sometimes come from being alone can only be felt if you try too hard to avoid it. Try embracing it. You might be surprised at the things you'll discover and the journey you'll travel.
Not saying that being single does not have its challenges because of course it does -- like being the odd one out in a group of couples' outing. Or having to go with your girlfriend to a movie date and people looking at you both funny.
I know a mother with five kids, one about my age. Her ultimate goal in life, it seemed, was ensuring they have good education, good jobs, and good spouses. So when the last of her children got married, she proudly bragged to my mother (and I had the misfortune to overhear the conversation) that her 'job is done'. My feeling at that time was like "Wow. That was it? This is what your life's biggest achievement is all about?"
But who am I to say anything about it right? Perhaps getting married is their ultimate goal. Then what's next ...having kids? It will always escalate. The society is never satisfied.
Once I asked my elder sister how she dealt with being single and she just
shrugged and said "Why worry? We know better. Why do we need to explain
ourselves to anyone for our own choices?"
How wise of her to point that out. People don't always get us one way or another anyway, so why not just let it go? Choosing to be single for however long one decides, is a choice one made and therefore should be respected. Besides, one should never ram one's view down another's throat while at the same time refuse to accept other people's view.
That being said, my little insignificant advice to all the single ladies out there: Chill and enjoy your single-hood. If your time isn't here yet, don't force it. If a guy doesn't show any interest in you, leave it alone, don't change his mind overnight. No matter how pretty you make-over yourself, if a guy isn't interested, chances are he just isn't. Never try too hard to please anyone, especially at the cost of your own pride or dignity. When you don't look for it is usually when it hits you. I mean, look at me. =)
And to the rest of the already married friends and acquaintances, be kind to single people. Weren't we all like that once? They have feelings too. Besides, marriage is a lifetime responsibility and the more you pressure people to join in the boat, the more you begin to look like you want out of the boat. Maybe not, I'm just wondering. But if we can relax about it, then you should too. There's a time for everything under the sun.
As for me, hey my time is soon up to close that chapter in my life. It is still my choice. Like someday it will be yours too. And since this is one long entry, you might not hear anything from me soon until it has come to pass.
Don't let anyone bring you down, make you feel down, or look down at you my lovelies. Timing is everything.
You have fun now!
P/s: By the way, my sister writes a very good post about The Single Life, exactly what I wanted to say, but she beat me to it months back. Hey ho. Read all about it in her blog HERE.
