Wednesday, February 26, 2014

That thought about God and grief...

This is off topic of any kind. Just a reflection.

Talking about grief. Who understands the word better than those who have gone through the suffering of losing loved ones? Been meaning to approach this subject for a long time but somehow the points kept evading me, and also it might come of sounding insensitive. Not the intention at all.

But you see...

I find it strange that when a loved one dies, people tend to say "God loves him more". "God loves her more."

I not only find it strange, I find it a little lacking in depth because of all the excuse that we can come up with, we have to put it on something that we don't even begin to understand. The implication in that one very line -- in  my own understanding of comprehending grief -- is it makes God sounds like He doesn't care that you love him/her too or that you suffered upon losing a loved one.

Subjectively, every time I hear those words, I mentally tend to add "God loves him more... than WHO?" More than the loved ones left behind? But why the need to put it in a comparative mode because of course God loves all His creation.

Imagine a young woman losing her husband in an accident... how is it emotionally right for us to give words of comfort in that very sentence? Can you really tell her that? Put yourself in her shoes. Someone you loved, depended on, craved the sight of, missed the voice of, presence, heat, intimacy brutally taken away from you and you don't even get to say goodbye. Try reasoning with her. Does God loved him more that He would prefer her to suffer?

Just a little example.

If this is me defending God, then it is perhaps a futile attempt, but I shall say it anyway because we all know deep in our hearts that God isn't heartless. He shouldn't be made an excuse all the time. Deaths that occurred always have a reason behind them and an explanation that goes beyond all that is humanly explainable. 

Perhaps in some cases where an innocent child died from say, child abuse... I guess it could justify the phrase because indeed God loves the child more and doesn't want the child to suffer further hurt in the hands of his tormentor. But still, that is only my own reasoning. It still doesn't give God enough credit.

I am just saying. Because all this while I've heard that line being used times and again, and I feel like it doesn't sound acceptable at all. It's not being used right. Perhaps it shouldn't be used at all.

Surely there is a better way to handle these passing moments. Life and death are in the hands of God, true. That doesn't mean He would allow one in exchange for another at our expense, as and when He pleases.

I believe that if you cannot find any words to tell a grieving person, perhaps best not to try. Just show them with your presence, your moral and emotional support, anything... other than telling them that.

Post-note: If I offend anyone, I didn't meant to. My apologies. But the opinion stands.


  1. This is a very good post. We Buddhists believe that one's life and deaths revolve around one's karma. Some would blame their Gods for everything which could be illogical as you have shared.

  2. It's surely not easy for us to accept our loved ones' death, I've been through that, I totally understand what you're trying to say.....

  3. Somehow I agree with all the things you said sis...I lost my beloved niece last year who I consider as my own daughter. When someone told me with that phrase "God loves her more..." I usually felt offended but at the same time I easily forgive him or her, maybe that person didn't mean what he/she aid...more..."

  4. I love this post.

    As for me i think the phrase "God loves him/her more" is really comforting, I don't mind if that's mean that God loves me less, as long as I know that the 'mendiang' is being taken by God (niat itu doa kata orang kan). It also makes me want to be closer to God so that 1 day I can be with the 'mendiang' again.

  5. I dont think i will be offended with the phrase because I think the phrase is actually like this 'God , Loves him more' or in Malay Tuhan, sayangilah dia lebih. I think it is a pray to the deceased so that God will love him more so God will put the soul into heaven. Not because to compare who loves more the deceased.

  6. I think that people usually say it as another polite way to say "my condolences", "rest in peace" or something like that. It's to comfort people but I believe people don't really believe the sentence like literally. It's just to comfort. I think la :)

    Have a great weekend, Coffee Girl!

  7. Oh yeah..but we must say something to that person. Right?

  8. Hi Coffee Girl, I have always enjoyed your candid thoughts and very classy eloquence. Very entertaining posting, and I sure agree with you totally.
    Likewise being not a religious person I have friends asking me to be a Christian...
    and quote, "if not when you die will not go to Heaven".
    My reply, "how you know? You been there"?

    You're right there, if nothing good to say, just your presence at someone's loss, your shoulder or your hand is better than certain expressions.
    When my time to depart, my wife will say, "I will not tell you how Lee died. I will tell you how he lived".
    Ha ha.
    Have a nice day, and keep a song in your heart.

  9. Lost a truly good friend over a month ago. Can't say I've got over the shock and the sorrow - life can never be explained, it's one great mystery. Never mind what people believe and say - just make each day count - keep the peace and spread the love.

  10. Thank you everyone for the comments. As it stands, I reserves the right to not use the phrase on anyone I know because there are better things to say to a grieving person. We all have different belief, this might even sound insensitive, but I've said it all up there. :-) No offence intended.


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