Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Home and away ...

It's a weekend routine, coming home to my suburban little kampung.

Here's home -- where people don't lock their doors in the daytime and still feel safe. Where the streams flow clearly you can see minnows swimming and chasing baits. Where there are no gates and people still ask permission to walk about anyway. Where neighbours borrow sugar and rice from each other without expecting a return. Where the coffee is always hot and the everyday meal seems tastier  than usual. Where everybody knows most basic things about each other and the other's daughters or sons, and still feel the need to protect their secrets. Where everybody else is mostly related somehow or another. Where the grass is greener but youngsters still leave them for the bright lights of the city. Where the heart is.

The journey home ... now there's that private moment alone to do a lot of thinking about the past, the future and the current present. There's something about driving solo into the sunset that makes a person just feels melancholic and a tad too emotional to understand, or sometimes dreamy and distant. Or maybe it's just me... anticipating the outstretched welcoming arms of home.


Now that I have my own little loft in the city away from home, I realised that that journey home is getting less. And now that I have another valid reason to not come home more often, the sunsets just slowly fade from my memories. Spending more time creating and living my own little world away from the precious childhood memories, sometimes I felt like a little black sheep... that prodigal daughter that the father can't seem to grasp or fully understand... that runaway child that the mother tries to restrain but quite powerless to do so. Except I did nothing wrong other than not come home often enough. Or maybe it's just me... feeling like a criminal everytime I see my parents' beautiful ageing worried quiet faces looking back at me.



I don't know how I could handle it if one of my kids do that to me someday ... finding his or her own dreams and hanging on tight, to the point of them slipping slowly from my grip. Which is why sometimes that's reason enough to make that trip back home because who would want the past to haunt the future quite like that?

No city girl this. The heart has always been in the country ... preferring the quiet moonlight night to the colourful smokie bars and loud music, the smooth streamfalls to the traffic jams, the green and dark forests to the skyscrapers, the busybody friendly neighbours to the self-absorb nearby city residents, the thunderstorms midnight for sleeping in to the midnight movies, tempoyak to all the best rib-eyes in the world, and smiling dirty-hands kids from playing in the outfield to their peers who were more IT-savvy and advanced.

Not that I don't always prefer the other ones nor do I dislike them... it's more like a push and pull between  circumstances and choices. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose, and sometimes we just want to return home to regroup and recover.



This is home, where my roots are, my ancestors and my future descendants. How could I be away so often and not realised how much I miss home?


Or maybe it's just me... wanting to move a step ahead in my life but unsure of a lot of things ... like will that familiar precious home always be there to await me when I do need to come home to rediscover myself? Or will I find a home away from home and never forget the home that ever was?

My father once said on my return to the city, "that is just your second home, but this will always always be your home. Why leave it?" I didn't have the heart to remind him that his willful little girl is now all grown up.

Note: Third week of the new year, and already a first melancholic posting.

19 comments:

  1. Same here i love my family and my home.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Feeling melancholic can be a good thing...it's a constant reminder to you and all of us concerning our roots and not forgetting who we are...nice post! I'm touched...

    ReplyDelete
  3. Home is where the heart is...always no matter where you go and how far. A tree without roots will just wither and die...

    ReplyDelete
  4. Home is always the best place to be!

    ReplyDelete
  5. awww.. you hd got me feeling all melancholy too ... you're blessed to have a permanent place to call home. Being a city girl since ever, i dont really have a place to call home. My home is where my parents are, any place they may be.. My childhood memories are by collections of the age and not the place..

    This entry, somehow gave me a pang in heart. Age catching up, parents getting old... hurmmm....

    I hope all will be well for you CG... lovely photo of the glimpsse of ur house.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Home sweet home :). Look at those siblings of yours all lining up in all same pose on the roof. Pretty rare sight if you're in the city. Awesome!

    ReplyDelete
  7. awwww, u make me missing my hometown so bad :(

    ReplyDelete
  8. :)...i miss home, and things before...seems the older i get, more emotional i get hahahahahaha :p...

    ReplyDelete
  9. We are so lucky that our kampung is so near to our city - place of work.. Some ppl have to take plane, boat, etc to go back. For me as long as my parents gik ada; i'll try to go back as much as I can.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Simple Person: Totally agreed!

    Libby: thats right! it's the only one we have. =)

    Adi Herman: Going back to our roots can be a nostalgic thing, isnt it? And thanks. :)

    Frouline: aww... then maybe it's time to make that journey home?

    suituapui: yes no matter where we grow, our roots will always remind us where we come from. Wait, it's the DNA. :)

    Hayley: And i second that!

    ReplyDelete
  11. Dee Loner: maybe coz im deeply country rooted. :) city is fine, but nothing compares to home where ur childhood is. Like they say, u can take me out of the country, but u cant take the country out of me. Parents r getting old too, and thats more reasons to keep coming home. Thanks Dee.

    Nt Gravity: =)

    preciousmadphoto: hahaha theyre the furry babies at home. actually now there r 11 of them. in the city, they wont be as tame as these.

    withlove: awww... i did? sowie...=)

    stan: well dont we all. getting older is a must. :p

    ReplyDelete
  12. Ez Vina: Yes so blessed to have a suburban kpg, not too far from the city. :-)

    ReplyDelete
  13. What a beautiful post dayung! It does remind me to remember my parents whilst chasing my dream. I guess sometimes in our own selfish pursuit, we tend to forget who made us who we are today. How timely for me to read this.

    ReplyDelete
  14. Kampung is the best place to be. Lucky for me that my kampung is so so so near. Every weekend balik kpg.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Love the shot of the cats on the roof!

    ReplyDelete
  16. Christine Dior: Thanks dayung. Love our parents whie theyre still with us. :-) Hey glad to have met u in person that day too.

    Willie: yes same with me. But then again, sometimes makin dekat makin susah balik ye tak? :-)

    missyblurkit: hehe they were suntanning on the roof.

    ReplyDelete

Hey, you're here! Leave a message! Always appreciated. Thanks!