Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Home and away ...

It's a weekend routine, coming home to my suburban little kampung.

Here's home -- where people don't lock their doors in the daytime and still feel safe. Where the streams flow clearly you can see minnows swimming and chasing baits. Where there are no gates and people still ask permission to walk about anyway. Where neighbours borrow sugar and rice from each other without expecting a return. Where the coffee is always hot and the everyday meal seems tastier  than usual. Where everybody knows most basic things about each other and the other's daughters or sons, and still feel the need to protect their secrets. Where everybody else is mostly related somehow or another. Where the grass is greener but youngsters still leave them for the bright lights of the city. Where the heart is.

The journey home ... now there's that private moment alone to do a lot of thinking about the past, the future and the current present. There's something about driving solo into the sunset that makes a person just feels melancholic and a tad too emotional to understand, or sometimes dreamy and distant. Or maybe it's just me... anticipating the outstretched welcoming arms of home.

Now that I have my own little loft in the city away from home, I realised that that journey home is getting less. And now that I have another valid reason to not come home more often, the sunsets just slowly fade from my memories. Spending more time creating and living my own little world away from the precious childhood memories, sometimes I felt like a little black sheep... that prodigal daughter that the father can't seem to grasp or fully understand... that runaway child that the mother tries to restrain but quite powerless to do so. Except I did nothing wrong other than not come home often enough. Or maybe it's just me... feeling like a criminal everytime I see my parents' beautiful ageing worried quiet faces looking back at me.

I don't know how I could handle it if one of my kids do that to me someday ... finding his or her own dreams and hanging on tight, to the point of them slipping slowly from my grip. Which is why sometimes that's reason enough to make that trip back home because who would want the past to haunt the future quite like that?

No city girl this. The heart has always been in the country ... preferring the quiet moonlight night to the colourful smokie bars and loud music, the smooth streamfalls to the traffic jams, the green and dark forests to the skyscrapers, the busybody friendly neighbours to the self-absorb nearby city residents, the thunderstorms midnight for sleeping in to the midnight movies, tempoyak to all the best rib-eyes in the world, and smiling dirty-hands kids from playing in the outfield to their peers who were more IT-savvy and advanced.

Not that I don't always prefer the other ones nor do I dislike them... it's more like a push and pull between  circumstances and choices. Sometimes we win, sometimes we lose, and sometimes we just want to return home to regroup and recover.

This is home, where my roots are, my ancestors and my future descendants. How could I be away so often and not realised how much I miss home?

Or maybe it's just me... wanting to move a step ahead in my life but unsure of a lot of things ... like will that familiar precious home always be there to await me when I do need to come home to rediscover myself? Or will I find a home away from home and never forget the home that ever was?

My father once said on my return to the city, "that is just your second home, but this will always always be your home. Why leave it?" I didn't have the heart to remind him that his willful little girl is now all grown up.

Note: Third week of the new year, and already a first melancholic posting.

Thursday, January 10, 2013

Coffee Girl reaches 2-year milestone today ...

Technically it's more than that, but unforeseen circumstances and one or two glitches made it impossible to retain a permanent one that long, as you can read here and here...

Come what may, Coffee Girl (ze blog) has been alive and well for two whole trying years now, and boy did we astound them all! One extraordinary year after another, and here we are today... blogging about our 2-year existence. Quite the survivor, aren't we?

We did promise to blog more, to blog indiscriminately, to blog articulately, to blog uniquely me, to blog and blog on as long as we still can... And so we will uphold that promise, no matter how long it might take us to post one entry after another.

And this is a dedication to all of Coffee Girl's readers, followers, fellow bloggers aka blog-friends, and other social media enthusiasts cum peers, and not forgetting the stalkers...  

THANK YOU. I hang on because... 

You probably heard that from me before, but be assured, I mean every word. We made a great team, didn't we? So before I start feeling a little emo here, let me take a few seconds to wish myself and this blog...

You're past the point of crawling, so start running already!

Sunday, January 6, 2013

Resolutions, anyone?

It's tough to live among the optimists.

These bunch always make a list of what they want to achieve every beginning of the year. In fact, they started talking about it way even before December of the previous year ends. And sometimes I can't help but poke fun at them for looking too far ahead when they're not even sure if they could achieve any of those endless list, let alone tick them one by one. And if you notice, some actually would recycle (if that's even possible) all the past unfulfilled wishes to the next year in the hope of trying to at least salvage some pride in attempting to fulfill them. Hard work, that.

Oh for sure, no offence to the optimists. In fact I hold you in highest regards (yes for real, that's no-oo, not sarcasm at all) because I was once one of you until sometimes it got too exhausting.

Ok get this: I'm not an optimist. Neither am I -- yes this is me speaking out loud the words from the back of my mind -- a pessimist. I am, if you can call it anything, is a daydreamer who lives the life of a realist. And being a mixed breed of a daydream believer stuck in reality, I too, have a list of things I want to see done or keep doing, not just this beginning of the year, but at all times, while I still breath, Mayan afflicted or not.

So, we don't play around with resolutions because that's what the optimists will do. And me, forever loving to procrastinate and all, do not like to be bogged down with wish list. Instead, here's a little reminder of what I should keep doing.

Note To Self:

#1. Hang On
The greatest oak was once a little nut who held its ground. 

#2. Blog On
Easy reading is damn hard writing. But I have resolved to be consistent in posting.

#3. Keep Calm and Drink Coffee
Actually, this seems to be the basic need of the human heart in nearly every great crisis a good hot cup of coffee.

#4. Keep Dreaming 
The best reason for having dreams is that in dreams no reasons are necessary. 

#5. ...But Be Realistic
Everything you can imagine is real.

If none of these make sense, that's okay because at the end of the day, like every dreamer out there, I too want a homelier home, a better car, a fatter paycheck, a dream career, a new status, travel the world, be a millionaire. But in order to get that, don't we all need to first discover ourselves and what we truly want and what truly matter?

Hello 2013. How will you fare?