Wednesday, June 20, 2012

I'm not afraid to love...

Oh hello. Crashed and burned over the weekend? Come come.. do you really want to make me start on this again?

Oh ye fools. Doubt thou the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.

I'm not standing at a crossroad. Not this time. In fact, I've moved one foot off the grave, and another foot away from the door. Have I ever given up on love? No, never, unbelievably so. But for the past many years of my life, I had been roaming aimlessly like a lost soul in search of another heart who can halt all this subdued wanderlust feeling. Oh yes, the makings of a good storyline.

There were times I stood tongue-tied and stared blankly at people who asked questions I didn't have ready answers for. Blabbering like a fool in front of the horde will only open doors for more questioning and possible assault. The throng loves a field day, and it's always at the victim's expenses.

And there were also times I was too quick with my tongue that I ended up regretting my answers later, which was borne out of spite and annoyance. My mother always advised to quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. But then my mother forgot to warn me about the wolves who love to feast on little girls. There were numerous time I just up and leave, sometimes quietly, sometimes in a great commotion, depending on who's doing the asking and who's doing the running. I'm requoting Bible verses.

It wasn't always difficult to maneuver. But in the course of times, it just gets exhausting. I don't answer to anyone but sometimes some stuff needs to be reckoned with. Who doesn't want to sleep peacefully at night?

There wasn't a day in my life that I wished I could be like a normal girl who follows society rules and demands. Some girls prefer to just settle. Accept whatever life hands her, live with it and learn to be content. Take the next available guy and stop looking. Isn't that what most of the normal girls do? And then some ended up reciting the confessions of the "If only ..."

Would you want me to end up like that? Thick. I'm the only one who answers to me. I don't just settle, per se.

One unsuspecting soul even quoted that time and tide wait for no man... True. But that's the beauty of nature, they just go on doing what they do best without much influence from anyone. Man on the other hand, can be likened to a stalk of reed, easily swayed to go the way of the strongest element. If not a reed, then something else more solid like an oak tree. And now I'm requoting Bible verses again.

But then I believe that even the lost and forsaken can be found and forgiven, and the lonely and sad can be redeemed and made happy. Why not me? If I were meant to wait it out, for my redeemer to come and sweep me off my feet, who's to say that it could take forever, or maybe the next few years, or the next few days, or the next few hours? While I have every right to choose and be picky with my choice, I have not so far, regretted the few choices that I had or ever had the opportunity to try and work them out, and failed... Those were like balms, a secret stepping stone to always improve my game, or an indication to move away and reroute. Whoever gets hurt in the process have no idea that I hurt more, if that is even possible.

Strong willed and always a hopeless romantic at heart. This faith that I have in the God who sees all things and have prepared someone for everyone, will prevail. Faith always win, somehow, right? Faith in that one magical thing that none has ever succeeded in explaining thus far.

Oh ye woman of faith, worry not for the man who will steal thy heart, for I will bring him to thee when thou least expected it. And I will face it like a true martyr. Any day now. Shall we move the pressure point to the next level now? This love subject is a risky business, isn't it.

Here's a little confession, ye wolves of the highest order: I'm not afraid to love... I'm just afraid I won't be loved back. Equally or more.

18 comments:

  1. very well said... this is the battle that most women are trying to win... We are all wanting a happy ending...but not everyone has the same story plot... some reach the climax of their life smoothly, some drastically and some the climax is still vague... As of me I am living the most out of my life... enjoying my moment till i finally reach that special part.

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  2. Bercinta dengan ikhlas sepatutnya... :D

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  3. Hmmm... Your defination of normal girls?!

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  4. well said coffee gurl! don't just settle. the girls i know who settled (my peers) are married to their high school sweetheart and have kids. yes. kids. and i'm just 22. the thing is, i don't fancy that kinda thing although i applaud how brave they are to get married and start a family at a measly wage that can barely support the whole family. and me? oh, i'm having the time of my life! :) i most certainly do not want to be in their shoes. to me, i just think they're too scared to let go of their high school sweetheart for somebody better, in fear they will be a 'spinster'. this whole stigma has to stop.

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  5. It is better to have loved and lost...than never to have loved at all.

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  6. i'm not afraid to love.. but i just afraid..i cant.

    hehehe

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  7. Well love is a very beautiful thing....
    I hate ppl r just playing around with someone that is serious....

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  8. i used to have this kind of dilemma when i was a bachelor before. come to think of it again, it really does tickles hehe no need to ponder too deeply and stressed yourself out dear sis, God has planned a perfect soul-mate for you one day, in fact,it goes the same with everybody. It's good of you to never stop believing in LOVE, just like John Lennon said, Love Is All You Need.

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  9. You know why I stayed single, haha.

    I don't know if its even harder for girls but I do like the fact that girls who is not desperate and always building up their self worth.

    I also believe that God has prepared someone for us, and no matter what, as long as we are with Him, our love story will come to past :D

    Latest in room8five: Genting Highland and

    Zouk KL

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  10. :)...out there God already have some one for u. While the time to meet maybe isn't yet...now is the part of life cycle to learn something from the waiting time...those who talk may have an easy life all the way, so they know nothing...(learning is from the hardship and failure, success?? everyone know how to enjoy and celebrate it, its too easy ;p)...

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  11. Blom jodoh. Mun dah jodoh, org tepi jalan pun ko boleh melekat. Byk kawan aku yg kawen ngan org sik disangka sangka. Happy juak sampai kinek tok.

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  12. easy...just take it easy...then u will know that u'll love them back equally

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  13. definitely what i'm feeling right now... like i'm not pressured enough with work, 'they' have to add another one ... *sigh*... well, what can I say is you and and many other are in the same boat. a friend of a friend used to or still saying "better late than wrong".

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  14. felice inizio settimana a Te...ciao

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  15. It is always tiring to be human beings sometimes. We are always chasing for something and meet some wolves along the way. Love is like fire, sometimes hot, sometimes cool and sometimes burnt till hangus!!

    My advice is that we take middle paths in life. Safe journey!

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  16. Ayat Willie ya: "Orang tepi jalan pun ko boleh melekat".. ahhaha

    BAHAYA!!

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  17. Genskie: enjoy ur life to the fullest girl, let things flow naturally. thats the best part of romance, having it come on its own time, in its own way. All the best to you babe!

    AmirFx: ya betul...

    Ivynana: hmm... the term is widely and liberally used, by me.

    Christine Dior: :)) always nice to know someone agrees with me on a topic such as this. yes we dont just settle, but when we do, it's for life... and society can go hang itself. all the best to you dayung!

    suituapui: Shakespeare said that too, did he? or maybe that's a movie line i forgot from somewhere

    hanie: im sure u can... and u will, someday... :-)

    Simple Person: which is why romance and love shd never be taken so lightly. right?

    Adi Herman: oh i believe in Love alright. :-) John Lennon sang that? nice...

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  18. Daniel Chiam: thats right, someone for everyone. it's unfolding soon, we just donno when it's time. or when we do, we'll know too. ;)

    stan: yes agree. hardship and failure makes us a better person. every experience is educational.. wait, what r we talking about again? hahaha

    Willie: sikla orang tepi jalan... thats sound so bizarre. haha.

    Uncle Seven: :p equal measure or more, is what i meant.

    Aku Mpun: thats right! better late than wrong. so u take it easy too ok.

    Giancarlo: er.. ok. :-)

    Twilight Man: ok u better tell me what 'middle path' means...

    Cyrildason: hahaha im sure he means a total random stranger, but im just assuming...

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