Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been months since my last diet, and with each attempt I've either lost weight (yes really) or gained back a stone for every pebble. I shall persevere.
Allow me, Father, to recite the 10-commandments of weight loss:
1. Thou shalt honor thy health and good spirits above all else.
2. Thou shalt not go on crash diets; therein lieth the way of madness.
3. Thou shalt not clean thy neighbor's plate.
4. Thou shalt not eat when thou art miserable, for food is not a medicine unto the soul.
5. Thou shalt eat not when thine eye lusteth, but when thy stomach requireth sustenance.
6. Thou shalt sup chiefly on the fruits of the earth, the grains and vegetables thereof; on the fowl of the air and the fish of the seven seas, whence donuts cometh not.
7. Thou shalt take exercise daily, for why else hast thou sinew and bone, legs and sneakers?
8. Thou shalt be patient but not forgetful.
9. Thou shalt take delight in every good friend and good song, in every good walk and good day, for to enjoy them more is why these commandments are given unto thee.
10. Thou shalt not knit thy brow if thou transgress a commandment, but forgive thyself, for it is written, nine out of ten is not bad.
I mean, hello, who could resist this? 9 out 10, Father, 9 out of 10.